So, here we go. It's moment of truth time bizzles. I wanted to make sure I talked to my mom about this before I told all y'all, because she would be hotter than a two dollar pistol if she read this on THYMWYA. (Please note that this post is going to go south quickfastandinahurry. If you hate when I post graphic stuff, then just look at the pics.) So, the supersadtruth is I haven't been posting on here as much as I'd like to and if you keep up with me on twitter you may know that I have been feeling like hell lately. More directly and accurately, I have been feeling like ASSSSSSS! As many of you old skool readers know, I have chronic stomach issues. I am constantly living in some varying state of pain and general disrepair. This all came to a head two weeks ago when the pain got so bad that I was running a fever and throwing up. The Mister first told me to check WebMD. BIGHUGEMISTAKE. That site is a hypochondriacs dream. They told me I either had gas or colon cancer (O-RLY?). He then finally convinced me to go see a specialist.
|Dress: THKN. Jacket: Old. Boots: Steve Madden.|
So, I broke down and found a gastroenterologist. The wait time is 2 weeks out to see these people. So, here is me trying to get an appointment:
Me: Um, Hi...My stomach hurts so bad baby seals are crying for me and I am throwing up and can barely stand up straight.
Doctor scheduler person: OK. Well, we can get you in 2 weeks from tomorrow.
Me: Say what? But I am in pain for the 11,908th day of my frickin life.
Doctor scheduler person: I can make it 4 weeks if you'd like.
Me: a;kghiupeaiuht;eqhgbirhb;uwih!!!!! FINE! I will take your two week out appointment. I will just be sitting here in a fetal position with alternating buttpee and vomalloveryourface, NBD.
So, two weeks later, I wake up like it's Christmas morning and if I didn't have a sprained ankle I would have skipped all the way to the doctor's office. I show up and I am not kidding you, the office smelled like poop...Which was appropriate and probably the only time I haven't sideeyed poopstink in my whole life. I felt like I had found my place in this world...An office full of people whose sole purpose at work is to deal with people with stomach issues. I was about to high five everyone who worked there and tell them that their almighty princess had arrived. No one was amused by my antics.
Let me sidebar with y'all real quick. I have gone down this road of "OK, I am going to get my life together and figure out what is going on with my stomach." When I say stomach, I am referring to my intestines. My stomach has never hurt a day in my life...My intestines on the other hand are in pain and in some spectrum of swelling at all times. I went to 3 different doctors in Florida, none of which were able to tell me anything more educated than "I dunno, maybe you should lay off the pizza". To which I would say "WRONG! No I will not lay off the pizza...Get an education you redneckahole."
OK...So that's the background.
Fast forward to yesterday, when my doctor walked in and she was really pretty and young (two very important qualities) and wasn't an old hagged out dude with one of those metal disc headband things on. Nope! She was totally cool and smart, and was genuinely concerned and interested in my stomach and my poop and basically everything else in my life. She is everything you would hope for in a doctor. Here is what we have deduced. I have some gall bladder issues, and my small intestine is inflamed. I have a battery of tests and procedures scheduled over the next two weeks. One of wich involves me swallowing a camera that takes 4 pics per second of my small intestine. To which the doc told me: "Dont' worry you dont' have to return the camera". "Good effing thing because I am not dealing with the retrieval of that. I don't even like picking up Ziggy's poop." "Who is Ziggy?" "Just some fatass I know." Another one involves 6 feet of tube being put where the sun don't shine. Then she tells me that I can't drink any of my vinos until after my procedure to which I was all:
One thing that I have come to find out during this process is, a lot of us women have gut problems but don't feel like we can talk about it. I have found that some of my closest friends are dealing with stomach pain, or shits or lack thereof. No one is doing the Dr. Oz "S" (WHAT IS THAT!!!!!?????). People are getting colonics and recommending this procedure highly. And everyone is holding in a fart until they fall asleep and wake themselves up. JUST SAYIN!